A chat with the inner me before the students come

::pats self all over:: I. AM. ALIIIIIIIIVE. And half-way through with this hellishly busy year. And... I'm poor as the freaking dirt. Why couldn't I be nutrient rich soil? At least then I'd be rich.

If I had to go back and talk to the past me, I would tell her, "DON'T DO IT. DON'T GET YOUR MASTERS DURING YOUR FIRST YEAR, YOU CRAZY F-ING PSYCHO!! ARE YOU MASOCHISTIC!? DO YOU LIKE HURTING YOURSELF AND HAVING NO LIFE, LET ALONE NO MONEY!??" I would shake her a little too, for good measure.

But I'm alive, and I have a lot of students that I love and that love me in return. I got my first Christmas card and Christmas gift from two different students, and I was just tickled pink. I try to have a lot of fun with my kids too--I have a birthday sombrero (from Chevy's, which I got on my birthday this past November, so I kinda feel bad for all the August, September, and October kids who missed out on this fun fiesta), and a birthday board. The kids keep track and tell me whose is coming up, and then they get to wear the sombrero and we sing to them. I also have them work up to "Fun Day Fridays" where they get to play games like Uno and Apples to Apples, as well as go on Funbrain.com. It's a break for me, and a break for them, because it gets pretty tedious at times with the curriculum I've got... aaaaaaand some days I just don't feel like planning. Like on Fridays. Though, to date, I've not shown a single movie. I do play a lot of music though.

I'm trying VERY hard not to be so worried about starting tomorrow, and to get rid of the nausea I feel when I think of what I'm going to do for the next two days with the kids. When I walked through the doors today for the professional development, I felt at ease and at home. I felt welcome and secure.

But then, I walked through the doors of my classroom and was hit in the face with the reality that I have--GASP!!--nothing planned for this week whatsoever, with it being only 2 days long and with my schedule still not being completely secure. Good Lord, what in the hell am I going to do for two stinkin days? Why do I have to feel so uncertain and unhappy? I'm scared shitless for no reason.

I HATECHU, ANXIETY!! GO. AWAY.

So, to make myself feel better and to procrastinate even more on working, I looked up my horoscope for today and for the year (I haven't done this in FOREVA).

Daily:
Quickie:Sit with yourself and look at the big picture. Figure out what it is that you want. (HAHAHA, what do I want to do over the course of the semester? And also, what do I want my students to do for the next two stinkin' days!???)
Overview:Your dreams are important right now, no matter how realistic they may seem. Make sure that you're not just going through the motions -- you've really got to put some work into them at this time. (Right now, I'm dreaming about having to find a job in Kansas or Kansas City, and how daunting and scary that task seems. Hopefully I get those applications out by the January 14th deadline for the CAPS office. Also, I'm dreaming about still being alive, sane, and not burned-out by the end of this year.)

Yearly:
Sagittarius

You're not one to give up on anything without a fight. This year, you need to prove to yourself that you absolutely can do anything your heart desires. You have a friendly nature, and feel very comfortable enjoying the group dynamics of different social scenes. Having high personal values, and being very idealistic, are just some of the reasons why you attract so many gifts and blessing from others -- not to mention having a natural talent for attracting money easily all year round.

You will feel deep transformation in your attitudes about money and your personal values, and are seriously thinking about what is important in your life. You may find you may are not placing as much importance on having physical things. Security may present itself through family and friendships instead of through objects and possessions.

You desire a deeper connection and emotional bonding with your family, exploring the ideas you have learned from your parents. You will appreciate some of the perennial wisdom that has been passed down to you from your ancestors. By the summer, you feel a new closeness in your relationships and will juggle love and work in order to maintain balance. Personal transformation is far more appealing than outer changes, this year.



Strangely, I find a lot of truth in that little blurb. And, a lot of comfort.