Funday Friday?

So, my students worked up to their Funday Fridays, all with the exception of my 5th hour. However, they have to take a 3 question mini-quiz, and listen to me read before getting free time. The questions on the quiz are:

1. What does reading in the reading center look like?

2. When you are done with a book, what should you do next?

3. Why are you not supposed to move the headphones or unplug them?

I tell them, "Since everyone seems to be having issues reading in the reading center, I've decided that the only way to get in some reading time is to read to you for five minutes. If you don't like this, considering that it's taking up your Funday Friday time, perhaps you should start reading in the reading center. Otherwise, start expecting this on Fridays."

Second and third hour took it like champs. They took the quiz, and nodded their head and agreed that they deserved to be read to since they couldn't read in the reading center. Jose M. timed me on his watch for exactly 5 minutes. Second hour was great, chatting about the book afterwards and then getting their freetime, being quiet and doing exactly what I wanted them to do.

Third hour fought the reading time a little more, but once I started really got into it. Daniel M. came over to watch my finger move as I read (I started to trail with my finger once Daniel got up to watch). Once he got up, Michael then moved right in front of me and sat down. Charles then slowly got up and positioned himself next to Michael; all three boys are my biggest troublemakers, and all three were completely enraptured in "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen." They even made comments to one another as I read ("Al Pacino! That's Scarface, dude! Oh man, Scarface!" It was wonderful. I then played Uno with Daniel while helping Estherlin with her mini quiz (she can't read nor write), and Michael came over to play with us. It was very peaceful and fun, and the boys kept saying, "Oh Ms. Franklin, I'm so sorry for doing this but... draw four/reverse/skip." We had some good laughs, and Michael did a good job of keeping his comments to himself.

Fifth hour, Laurencia and I are revamping. They are my lowest group, barely able to read "See Spot Run." They can't form sentences in the written word, and get very discouraged and upset with Read180. Not to mention the fact that they are all self-contained and have an awful teacher who I shall call Mrs. Slow. I'm pretty positive that if she tested for it, she would have a very severe mental disability. She takes out a lot of her frustrations on her students, calling them names such as "retard" and yesterday she yelled and apparently called a boy "bitch". We're trying to get her fired by gathering as much incriminating data on her (as if the fact that her students can't read and write after being with her an entire semester shouldn't be incriminating enough!!). Laurencia rocked that classroom. I wish I could be as good, as self-assured, and as amazing as she is with the students. She told me that from now on she's going to be with me during 5th hour so that we can get their reading scores up together. It's going to be great getting to teach along with her.

Seventh hour... I just don't know what to do with them. They're my research group, and they're just far too comfortable in my classroom. They're mostly 6th graders, and they're just nothing but drama, drama, d-r-a-m-a. They're too loud and rambunctious for Funday Friday, so I'm going to have to start structuring it a little more for them. They can't handle the freetime. They balked at the reading today as well, while my other classes took it easily eventually. These guys talked during it, and I constantly had to ask them to stop talking and pay attention for the very short 5 minute span. I was disappointed to say in the least. I then took away special privilages during their freetime, because they did deserve some for doing well this week.

Other than that, I'm so sick of reading about these freaking immigrants, and the kids are too. They keep saying, "Didn't we already FINISH this!? I'm tired of hearing about immigrants!" I just want to move forward, but that's just not happening because they just can't handle getting things accomplished quickly.

I have noticed something very interesting though. They are beginning to really get into the Read180 program on the computer, and the kids are loving hearing themselves recorded, and spelling. Several times the students have said during transition periods, "Nooooo, can I please just finish this spelling thing! I want to spell this!" Or if they could just stay in the writing center with me and finish the packet (I photocopied the rBook for them to be able to write and circle main idea and details). They completely dislike the reading center, and I understand only because it's hard to like something that gives you trouble.

Laurencia told me that I've changed since first semester. She said that I have better classroom management now, and that the kids are responding differently to me than before. She noticed that I'm not as burned out or crying all of the time, like I used to be. I've still cried about stuff, but I'm doing my best to let it go as soon as I sign out and leave my keys in the basket. I think, though, that it's backfiring on me because I have been waking up at night a lot full of anxiety, and having dreams about the children. So while I tamp it down and ignore it while awake, I believe that it's coming through to my dreams and as a result I've not been sleeping well.

A continuation from yesterday's post

Today I met with the third group in 7th hour to finish up the article, "A New Immigration BOOM" regarding the large number of Latinos coming to America. This time I met up with Irma, Hatija, Seth, Kayse, and Enisa.

Irma (672), Seth (250), Enisa (231), Emina (520), Adrijana (244), and Anthony (BR) are the students whom I've decided to make into my research students, with Enisa and Seth being moderately high for my group of students, Irma and Adrijana being my medium students, and Anthony and Emina for my lower students.

Irma and Hatija were appalled to read the line, "Some people say that immigration hurts America."

"That makes me mad! It's racist!" Irma said, Hatija promptly agreeing. The other students nodded their heads, while Seth put his head on the table.

Due to his past relations with students from other countries, I have come to learn that Seth is a closet racist, saying things like, "I hope all Iraquis die!", "All the Bosnians here are assholes." and "We should just blow up the middle east completely." He also draws Nazi signs on his folders brought from home, writing in the margins that he hates Nazis and that they should all die too. However, why would he draw such large symbols? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, unfortunately, and as a result a lot of the Bosnian, Russian, and other students pick on him and shun him due to his narrow view on immigrants and those from other countries.

Irma then began, "Can I tell you something, Ms. Frankliiin? It's about this, and about people coming to America. So, me and Guadalupe were coming from Mexico, you know? And we didn't speak a lot of English but we knew some. And people were standing on the borders telling us that we needed to go back, that we weren't wanted here, that our kind wasn't welcome here. Then they started to throw stuff at us, and cuss at us. I mean, why would they do that? Why would people hate us that much? And then there was this time that I was out with my friends and these guys told us that we should go back to where we came from. My friend slapped him! It was so funny. But they were so mean!"

Enisa, who is ever the quiet one, then said, "This one time that happened to me and my dad! We were at the mall, and some guy walked up to my dad and said that he should go back to whatever country we came from. My dad was so mad, but he didn't say anything and just walked away. I felt so awful."

Hatija then launched into her versions of her own tales of racism towards her, and they were very similar in the aspect of how hurt it made her. Then she said, "I mean, all Americans, they hate Bosnians and Gypsies."

I interjected, "But I'm American. Are you saying that I don't like you and Enisa?"

Kayse then joined in and said, "I don't hate Bosnians or Gypsies. I like you guys."

Seth did not redeem himself and kept his mouth shut.

Hatija then amended, and said, "Okay, some Americans hate Gypsies and Bosnians."

I praised her and asked her to see the difference in what she had just said, and she smiled and nodded, knowing that there was a difference between the two.

The conversation then took a large turn when Kayse said, "It's just like white people not liking black people. Who cares what the color of your skin is? I mean, black is just a little darker than white, Hispanics are just a little darker than white... so what should it matter?"

Irma then said, "Yea, we all have the same parts. We all have feelings. How can you hate someone for something like their skin color?"

Then my buzzer went off, and it was time to end the discussion.

My feelings on the discussion are that they all went phenominally! The students really got into it, especially my 2nd and 7th hours. I got a lot of insight into their views on immigration, and how they feel considering they are a large immigrant population. The only thing that I would change would be to get a recorder to make sure that I could have gotten everything they said word for word. I was just so proud that my students were able to have discussions on a topic the heavily effects a large percentage of our population.

I know I really only need to focus on my 7th hour since that's my research group, but 2nd hour with Cadiedras, Haris D, Jose M, Kadir, and Terry went really well too.

Cadiedras was my little devil's advocate, saying things like, "They steal our shops. Before the Bosnians came, we had other shops but now all you see is Bosnian shops and bars and clubs."

Kadir agreed with her and said, "Before the Russians came (he's Russian), there were other shops, but really... there are only Bosnian bars around here. And food places."

Haris D. bristled, being Bosnian. However, everything he said eventually turned into a joke. "You racist! We didn't steal anything! You should've gotten there first. And anyway, my dad owns one of the restaurants around here, and I've been to a bunch of the bars because my dad takes me to them! We didn't steal anything."

... your dad takes you to the bars around here??

Cadiedras never relented, which I was shocked and mildly proud of her for. Not that I agree with her on her stance, but the fact that a peer was attempting to knock her down, and she refused to back down. She's a very shy, amiable girl with moderate MR, but she's come a long way since the beginning of the year on her social skills and writing levels.

Terry was only really upset about the fact that she does believe that immigrants get the jobs that Americans want, but that's no reason to really hate them. She just thinks that it's unfair.

Haris D. whispered, "You should have gotten there first..."

"No, I think that's wrong!"

A part of what we're doing in my Read180 groups are that of reading about immigration into the United States, and how it's changed over the years regarding the ratio of what group has become the largest group to come to America.

The rBook states that it's the Latinos who are becoming the Boomers of minority groups, with 27.7 % of immigrants being from Mexico. Asia follows closely with 17.9 %.

However, the rBook explains that while "America was founded on immigration," many immigrants are still unwelcome by American citizens. "Some people say that immigration hurts America. They say that immigrants get jobs that American citizens want. However, others disagree. They say immigrants help America. Many immigrants work for minimum wage. Often, Americans reject those low-income jobs." (p. 19)

I opted to have the students discuss what they thought on those claims made by the rBook. I asked, "How does the statement above make you feel? When you read that Americans don't want immigrants coming here, what emotions does that make you feel?"

One boy in my 7th hour, Kevin (7), was fired up. He's not an immigrant by any means, but he identifies with the Irish in him. "I think that's racist. I mean, who are they to say that people aren't allowed to come to America? That's like saying that I can't go into another country because I'm American, and they don't like Americans."

Emina (6) was confused and wasn't sure how to respond. She said that it made her feel sad, but other than that she kept responding, "I don't know." She also would repeat what the other students said, word for word, right after they said them. I wasn't quite sure what to make of her doing this, other than to get ideas of her own.

Adrijana (6) was fired up as well. "The only reason why I came from Bosnia is because of the war. My uncle has a hole in his cheek, and my other uncle got shot in the knee. My dad got shot in the shoulder, the leg, and almost in his mouth. We came to America because of the war, but my family has been talking about moving back. My aunts and uncles keep pressuring my mom and dad to move back to Bosnia, but they don't want to because me and my sister are in school here. And also because there's still fighting."

Alexis (6) and Adrijana (6) were confused as to why people would want to keep others out. I explained how there are talks from people wanting to close the border to Mexico to keep the Mexicans from coming to America illegally. However, I also explained to them how there is so much red tape to get across in order to become a legal citizen of the US. Kevin was very fired up, and said that it wasn't right to build a wall. Alexis and Adrijana agreed, and both said sadly, "Why can't we just let people in? That's just not right."

We had some really good conversations, and I was very pleased with pretty much every group that I got to hear their opinions on. I learned a lot about many students, such as Jerardo (7), who really got into the article after he realized that it was about Latinos. It's so crucial for students to be able to identify with what they're reading!

On a different note... Student Quotes!!

Emina (6) came up to me today in 7th hour and said, "Look at my math homework, Ms. Franklin." I thought that was odd, so I looked really quickly, and she said, "I wrote that we're going to the store..." and OHMYGOD, how freaking adorable is that!? She literally wrote, "Me and ms. franklin went to the store to buy..." I hugged her and said, "You are too adorable!!" She told me on Friday that I look like Ashley Tisdale: "Ms. Franklin you look like Ashley Tisdale. I've always thought you looked like Ashley Tisdale. You're so pretty, Ms. Franklin." When I laughed and told her that she looked like Ashley Tisdale, not me, because they share similar noses, Emina blushed and shook her head. "Oh no. Oh no, Ms. Franklin. I don't look like her. You look like her." Either way, Ashley's beautiful so I don't mind!

Ramajana (8), Jasmina (8), and Devida (6) wanted to know, during the writing center down time, if whether I taught at Long last year. "No, this is my first year here. In fact, this is my first year teaching at all." Jasmina and Ramajana pffftted, and said, "No waaaaay. Really? This is your first year here and your first year as a teacher? You don't seem like it at all! You seem like you've been doing this for a long time!"

I also overheard Omari (7) telling several other students that I was his favorite teacher. "That teacher right there. Ms. Franklin. She be my favorite teacher." Several of his friends agreed, and Jasmina (8) asked, "Really? Her?" I thought that was odd, considering she tells me all the time that I'm her favorite class.

Oh shucks, guys. Way to make me blush!

I also got to sing happy birthday with the birthday sombrero today for Irma (7)! She was very pleased, and my students got really into it. I'm glad that I chose to go this route to celebrate birthdays!

Is there something in the water?

WHAT. THE. HELL.

I go from the squeaky clean track record of just having shitty kids without any actual fights (almost but not), to two fights in as many days.

Yesterday was fist-fight number one, and it was far more aggressive than the one today. The first one was because two seventh grade boys who are notorious for being aggressive--one verbally (Michael), and the other physically (Sekou)--got into it after Michael said something along the lines of, "I don't want no dirty N** sitting at my table."

In a way, I'm glad that Michael got beat up. In fact, I don't even hold it against Sekou for punching me in the hand. I was in the way of Michael, and his aim was not intentionally for me (and it didn't really hurt, but more surprised me than anything because Sekou is always very careful around me). And as awful as this sounds, for all the crap that Michael dishes out to the Liberians about how they're dirty, nappy-headed, and that ugly N-word, he deserved to get the crap kicked out of him for once.

No, that doesn't sound very teacherly, but after you hear him get away with it over and over again no matter how many times you write him up, you can't help but want some sort of poetic justice to occur.

What cracks my shit up is that the fight was over in less than 2 minutes, and both boys just sat down in their chairs and panted (with Sekou at the same table as Michael). Michael made a quip about Sekou's mom, and Sekou looked at me, panted, "Do you hear him?" He made to get up but I stopped him both verbally and bodily. Plus, I think he was just plain tired. The security guard took her time making it to my room, and when she got there Michael's eye was swelling and his cheek had a small cut. Sekou was unharmed. The officer immediately said, "Both of you, up." And the hilarious part? Sekou and Michael both said, "But we're not fighting anymore. We're done. See? We're not fighting anymore."

Pffffff!!

But today, it was two of my little sixth grade boys. One boy comes up to my armpit, while the other is a good head taller than me.

Seth and Anthony were talking quietly until I asked Anthony to move back to his chair. I don't know what happened (because I was in the middle of teaching a lesson), but one minute I hear a student saying, "Miss Franklin? I think Seth is crying." And the next, tiny Seth is standing on his chair, growling, and then rockets himself across two different tables, jumping on people's chairs (with students in them!!) and jumps on Anthony's back. He is literally piggy-backed on Anthony, punching the shit out of Anthony's head and neck. Several students jump away, and I call for one of them to call for security through the button on the wall.

I walked forward (they were literally right in front of me) and plucked Seth off of a standing Anthony; to his credit, Anthony has severe anger issues, and did a really good job keeping himself from hurting Seth by not fighting back.

I held Seth to my side so that he couldn't attack Anthony anymore, and Seth latched on to me and began to bawl; his tears were soaked into my sweater for a good hour, and it hurt me to feel his anger and hurt on me for that long.

Ultimately, I don't know why Seth attacked Anthony. But I do believe that Anthony started it. Seth had been fine all hour until their quiet conversation.

::sigh::

I'm exhausted. Too much adrenaline wasted for breaking up fights.

Seriously. Stop.

So, I feel like a real teacher now. I got my hand punched while trying to separate two boys fighting (my first fistfight in my room).

I am now a real teacher.

OH yeah, about actually teaching!

So, having written out my drama, here's what I've been doing with the students.

I had the students yesterday write in their journals about what they did over winter break, and then we went over some jobs the students could apply for in my classroom (Thank you, Brienne!!) Warm-up checker, Bell-ringer Master, Computer checker, Teacher's Assistant--there are seven in all, each having a different task that the students could handle. After going over the jobs, the students were then to write the three they would want, and then "applied" for the position, telling me in one paragraph why I should choose them and what made them qualified for the job. I thought that was pretty fun, and the kids were really curious who got the jobs!

Today, we created personal and academic goals for quarter three. They had to fill in the following sentences:

My personal goal for 3rd quarter is _________________.
My academic goal for 3rd quarter is _________________.

Quote I heard most of the day, even after explaining it twice:
"Miss Frankle? What is acapendix?"

After they did those, I had them choose one of the sentences, and we put one on a poster. We came up with a cute phrase for each class to top the poster board ("We're rockin' out and reaching goals!" for 5th hour, "Life is good when we reach our goals!" for 7th) and had them personally write out their chosen sentences (carefully looked over and corrected by me) and sign their names. This way, when I hang it up in the classroom, each class is represented and they all get a little part of them on the wall.

I would do it differently somehow... I just can't figure out how I would have done it. You see, the kids got restless waiting for me to check their sentences, and none are good enough to check others' work (ex. "Kadir, check this for me." Kadir looks it over, reading it silently. "Looks good to me." Hands it back. I look at it.... the sentence makes no sense whatsoever. ::headdesks::) So, while the beginning of the hour was smooth as butter, the end was a frantic mess. Any suggestions?

GRRRRRRRRR....

Just to get this off my chest right off the bat, this is a letter to someone in the building that needs to get over themselves.

Dear Person-who-needs-to-get-over-yourself,

You have a job you can't just seem to do. I don't want to hear you bitching about it, I don't want to hear you complaining about it, because--honestly?--if the administration tried hard enough, we could find someone far more capable of filling your measley shoes because so far you've done squat and truthfully have no clue what you're doing. You don't do your job right, and when you do have to do something, all you do is whine and get pissy (though this could be a tactic to of show just so that you get out of doing something that you have absolutely no credentials to be doing in the first place, seeing as how you have no clue what you're doing). So do us all a favor and do what your job title says, and quit giving people the cold shoulder and getting all ticked off and having your panties in a twist over the fact that you came to work this morning and were asked to actually work for a change.

Love,
Shauna

p.s. I almost want to ask for the scarf I made you for Christmas back after the way you've been treating me. But I'm not going to because... well, that'd be rude and one of us has to be a decent person. I guess that'll be me.


::Deep breath innnnnnn, and letting it ouuuuuuttttt::

Who says that those yoga classes over the summer for Fellows weren't helpful?

With that being said, today was a much better day than yesterday. Yesterday the kids were all in a tizzy about being back, and couldn't seem to fit their heads onto their shoulders enough to think about learning, let alone do the deed of learning. Their heads were still floating up in the air about new hair styles, new clothes, and the new year.

Second and third hour got to work right away, and were quiet for a change!! It was such a shock to my system that I almost cried out in joy! But I didn't want to let on that I knew about their doing well, only because when I've done it in the past it's gone to their heads and then they're crappy the next day. The last two classes were more of a challenge, but they've always been that way and I'm not quite sure how those dynamics are going to change if they're the same students.

During second hour I got a gift! A seventh grade boy named Amosa gave me a little notepad full of unlined paper; the front has rainbow flowers and a little saying in cursive: "Celebrate each day!" I was just so grateful that I hugged him sideways (as in, not a full-bodied hug because that is a NO NO and very uncomfortable-feeling to do to someone who is a young boy--especially!--or a young girl and is not related to you). He didn't give any reason other than, "I've been meaning to give this to you but I kept forgetting." This is two days in a row that a student has done something kind for me, which makes me wonder if whether something baaaaaaaddd is going to happen next week, because this isn't the usual behavior. I am just so stunned!

Speaking of hugs though... I have a student in the 7th grade who is named Jero* and looks like he could pro-wrestle or maybe even be secretly 25. The boy is LARGE, but very muscular. He can barely speak English, understand hearing spoken English, read it, or write it. I know for a fact that he is in a gang. He is the bane of the existance of most of the staff he has come into contact with, and has a hard time with authority. For the longest time I had a hard time with him as well, but then he suddenly started becoming very studious and trying hard in my classroom.

About a week before 2nd quarter ended, Jero hung around my room after the bell had rung, dragging his feet and picking up the trash on my floor, saying that he had lost some pesos; he's never done that before, so I knew immediately that he wanted to talk about something. He had done an excellent job in my class that day, and I praised him for doing well. His eyes lit up and a big chubby smile graced his face.

"Dank chu, Meez Frankleen, I really do gud? Dat because you my favorite teeeecher. Normally, I do dis (stick his middle finger out and wave it) to my teeechers, but I no do dat to you. I no do dat to you. I like you, Meez Frankleen. Dis my favorite class. Can I juss stay in chere witchu?"

I was touched, mostly because he had never done this before, and also because he had been so troublesome at the beginning of the semester.

I shook my head kindly, "No, I'm sorry Jero, but you can't stay in here. I appreciate you picking up my floor, though. Thank you for that."

Jero paced a little and said, "But, you my favorite teeecher! Can I pleeeeze shtay wit you?"

I shook my head and headed for the door, and Jero followed reluctantly, his head lowered and looking at the floor with an unhappy frown. "Meez Frankleen?"

"Jero?"

Jero paced for a second and then threw his arms around me in a hug. I immediately put some body distance from us, and turned so that my shoulder was into his chest. He burrowed his face and head into my shoulder and neck. "But you my favorite teeecher."

...and then I got a very strange... feeling about this hug. My whole body went tense and a bad tingling went through me, signalling DANGER!!! It wasn't just a hug because he needed one--I'd given out many of those hugs to students who were just having a bad day--but Jero was squeezing, attempting to shorten the space between us so that his crotch would be touching my leg.

I became very uncomfortable, and remembered my little code that I had promised myself at the beginning of teaching:

Rule #1
As a young, moderately attractive, female teacher, never be in the same room with a young man alone.

It took some time, but I finally got Jero to leave without any more very unnerving, uncomfortable hugs. He never tried it again, and he was never in the room alone with me again.

... Until today.

I didn't even notice him sticking around after the bell had rang until I looked at the door and saw the strange pacing he had done that one day. He didn't pick up my floor, but he did hold the door open for everyone leaving.

"Meez Frankleen, can I stay today in your class? I no like my otder classes; I like your class, Meez Frankleen."

I told him no, and asked him politely to leave. (And I am just now remember Jenny V, a fellow teacher, telling me that as people raised to be polite to others, there are some instances where you just can't be polite and I should have remembered that!!!)

He refused to go, and I walked the room picking up items on desks and the floor, telling him repeatedly that I wasn't even going to be around for my planning time, and either way it was precious time spent without students.

I made the mistake of walking by him, and he grabbed me into a hug. Again, I positioned myself far away, and he burrowed his face into my neck and shoulder. Again, the bad, tingly DANGER filled my nerves, and I felt my heartrate quicken and the need to get away. I wanted to throw up from being so scared about not being near the door, and I wanted so much for another person to walk in and get Jero away from me. I was also intensely terrified of someone walking in and seeing Jero hugging me like this, and thinking that something was going on; I didn't want to be branded as one of those sick teachers, the ones who prey on their students.

I patted his arm and explained to him that I needed to go, and that I appreciated that he liked my class that much.

"In fact, I'm really glad that you have a class that you really enjoy and want to stick around for, but you need to go, Jero."

I pried myself away from him. It was a serious feat too, because those arms have some serious muscle to them, and he did not want to let go.

I walked him to the door, the whole time with him muttering and saying how much he didn't want to go to his next class, and that he would help me do something if I needed him to. I was adamant, and starting to calm down. I reached for the door, and opened it partway.

"Pleeze, Meez Frankleen, could I juss have one more hug?"

I sighed. What if I was wrong about him? What if he just didn't get any hugs at home? I mean, I knew his dad had been deported back to Mexico, and his mom was non-existant; and thanks to him cutting all ties with the other teachers, what if I was the only person in the world who gave him the time of day?

"Fine."

I gave him one more hug--my legs sticking out as far as they could, my shoulder into his chest again. A one-armed hug, like the other two times.

But, Jero decided to make this one worse, trying to pull me into a full-bodied hug, literally attempting to twist me around. I jerked away, and opened the door fully.

"Let's go."

I immediately walked him to his class, and ran off to talk to Ashley and Brienne--I was just so creeped out that I didn't even want to be in my room any more!

I'm sad that I'm just not going to be able to trust him anymore to hug him. That was a breach.

I talked to the counselor and she told me that my secret code--not letting male students in the room alone with me--was a good one, and easily forgotten if the student is familiar and good for you. I'm just disappointed is all. What a bummer.

A little bird left it

I found the following written to me in a notebook of mine after 7th hour ended:

Thank you Ms. Franklin. I luv your class because you are an out-going teacher. I luv you and your personality.

Kayse M.
Per. 7

A chat with the inner me before the students come

::pats self all over:: I. AM. ALIIIIIIIIVE. And half-way through with this hellishly busy year. And... I'm poor as the freaking dirt. Why couldn't I be nutrient rich soil? At least then I'd be rich.

If I had to go back and talk to the past me, I would tell her, "DON'T DO IT. DON'T GET YOUR MASTERS DURING YOUR FIRST YEAR, YOU CRAZY F-ING PSYCHO!! ARE YOU MASOCHISTIC!? DO YOU LIKE HURTING YOURSELF AND HAVING NO LIFE, LET ALONE NO MONEY!??" I would shake her a little too, for good measure.

But I'm alive, and I have a lot of students that I love and that love me in return. I got my first Christmas card and Christmas gift from two different students, and I was just tickled pink. I try to have a lot of fun with my kids too--I have a birthday sombrero (from Chevy's, which I got on my birthday this past November, so I kinda feel bad for all the August, September, and October kids who missed out on this fun fiesta), and a birthday board. The kids keep track and tell me whose is coming up, and then they get to wear the sombrero and we sing to them. I also have them work up to "Fun Day Fridays" where they get to play games like Uno and Apples to Apples, as well as go on Funbrain.com. It's a break for me, and a break for them, because it gets pretty tedious at times with the curriculum I've got... aaaaaaand some days I just don't feel like planning. Like on Fridays. Though, to date, I've not shown a single movie. I do play a lot of music though.

I'm trying VERY hard not to be so worried about starting tomorrow, and to get rid of the nausea I feel when I think of what I'm going to do for the next two days with the kids. When I walked through the doors today for the professional development, I felt at ease and at home. I felt welcome and secure.

But then, I walked through the doors of my classroom and was hit in the face with the reality that I have--GASP!!--nothing planned for this week whatsoever, with it being only 2 days long and with my schedule still not being completely secure. Good Lord, what in the hell am I going to do for two stinkin days? Why do I have to feel so uncertain and unhappy? I'm scared shitless for no reason.

I HATECHU, ANXIETY!! GO. AWAY.

So, to make myself feel better and to procrastinate even more on working, I looked up my horoscope for today and for the year (I haven't done this in FOREVA).

Daily:
Quickie:Sit with yourself and look at the big picture. Figure out what it is that you want. (HAHAHA, what do I want to do over the course of the semester? And also, what do I want my students to do for the next two stinkin' days!???)
Overview:Your dreams are important right now, no matter how realistic they may seem. Make sure that you're not just going through the motions -- you've really got to put some work into them at this time. (Right now, I'm dreaming about having to find a job in Kansas or Kansas City, and how daunting and scary that task seems. Hopefully I get those applications out by the January 14th deadline for the CAPS office. Also, I'm dreaming about still being alive, sane, and not burned-out by the end of this year.)

Yearly:
Sagittarius

You're not one to give up on anything without a fight. This year, you need to prove to yourself that you absolutely can do anything your heart desires. You have a friendly nature, and feel very comfortable enjoying the group dynamics of different social scenes. Having high personal values, and being very idealistic, are just some of the reasons why you attract so many gifts and blessing from others -- not to mention having a natural talent for attracting money easily all year round.

You will feel deep transformation in your attitudes about money and your personal values, and are seriously thinking about what is important in your life. You may find you may are not placing as much importance on having physical things. Security may present itself through family and friendships instead of through objects and possessions.

You desire a deeper connection and emotional bonding with your family, exploring the ideas you have learned from your parents. You will appreciate some of the perennial wisdom that has been passed down to you from your ancestors. By the summer, you feel a new closeness in your relationships and will juggle love and work in order to maintain balance. Personal transformation is far more appealing than outer changes, this year.



Strangely, I find a lot of truth in that little blurb. And, a lot of comfort.

OH yeah! Andrew started his first day at Garmin! I spent the last 5 days in Olathe, KS with him setting up his (soon to be Our) apartment in this swanky new place called Avignon. Over break I also updated my resume and cover letter and began looking up districts around Olathe on the Missouri/Kansas border.

I'm super excited about getting married in FIVE MONTHS!!! June 7th still seems pretty far away though. -__- I'm just nervous about packing up and leaving everything that I know! >__<

A new year, a new start

I've been bad about blogging lately. I've noticed that as the year started, I wrote about everything good or bad (but it seems mostly bad). I held off mostly because I was swamped, but also because I wanted desperately to write positives more than negatives. The last few weeks of school were full of both positives and negatives, and were intensely stressful in my attempts at trying to tie things up with my Fellows courses as well as getting my students to reach mastery on main idea and details.

The break was much, much needed. I'm disappointed that it was only 1.3 weeks long, but I can't complain too much because of the fact that most people don't have time off at all, whereas I have given time off. I'm trying to keep that into perspective.

However, we start up tomorrow with a teacher work-day. Can you believe it? I'm getting nauseated again just at the thought of going to work again. The thing is... I have no reason to be this "scared" or "upset" or anxious about going back. I have a general idea of my classes still, since Laurencia fought for me to keep my numbers relatively the same, so it shouldn't be The Giant Switch of 2nd Quarter. I know I'll have new students, but in small numbers that's an okay deal. However, I'm getting all twisty and knotted up inside regardless. It's stupid. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't be getting sick to my stomach. I need to get over this bullsh*t.

The day before the last day of 2nd quarter, I had my students do a Teacher Report Card on me. It's a reflection form where they get to grade me on my performance over the quarter (or semester, for the handful that stayed with me after the switch). It was out of 75 points on a 1-5 scale that they could grade me, and it ranged from how respectful I was to the students, to how well I taught the content. They also got the chance to write my strengths and weaknesses, as well as recommendations for what I could do to improve as a teacher. I got an overwhelmingly positive report--a chunk of students didn't take the questions too seriously and just gave me all fives, while many actually read and gave their honest opinion.

Two weaknesses that really stood out to me (among the many "give more free time"s) were two students who wrote, "Be more confident." As it was anonymous (so the kids didn't feel pressured to lie to make me feel better, though many chose to tell me my score anyhow) I don't know who wrote it except for one girl. But it's those types of responses that really tell me how the students see me. And considering that those two responses came from the same hour--second hour, the first of the day for me--it shows me that I need to brush up on my lessons a little more before second hour arrives so that I am more confident in the material. I'm definitely going to use that report card again to see how the scores and comments change over the next semester. Also, my principal gave me a really good comment on an evaluation regarding the teacher report card, telling me that it was a great form for reflection. That made me pretty happy since she doesn't give out great remarks like that too often.

Moreover, I'm going to attempt to use the first two days back at re-establishing the procedures and incorporating new attempts at getting Read180 to flow more smoothly. Hopefully, taking the time out to literally try Read180 at a slower pace instead of just throwing the students into it again, will lead to a better outcome for the classes.

I promise, also, to try to be better about blogging. I just want to see the positives over the negatives. And I'm going to do my very best!