Changing my outlook

Things weren't going so well in my head, for a long time. I don't know how else to put it; I was exhausting myself looking through each student's eyes and wondering, "Why are you being so... not what I want you to be?" It's hard for me to admit that. Hard for me to admit that I was attempting to shape the children into what I wanted them to be, instead of what they wanted to be. I sound so selfish, so narcissistic. And in a sense, I am supposed to shape them to my expectations, but not to the point where I'm forcing them to be something they're not.

I needed a change, and fast. What could I do to change their behavior, to make them listen instead of rebuke me at every shot? I had more bad days than good days, and it was a chore to get worked up over wanting to be in the classroom. I told myself that it was just because it was the first of the school year, not because of me.

But it was me. It was me.

Now, I don't blame every iota of my problems in the classroom on myself; some of my students are ultimately the most naughty children I've ever laid my eyes on, and they have attitudes the size of their pint-sized bodies and aren't afraid to throw it around like they just didn't care (and still don't care!). They are devious, mischevious, and down-right mean to one another and disrespectful to me.

But that was the crux. They are children. Here I was, treating them as if they were my peers learning with me, throwing information at them that they had a hard time comprehending. Some of that comprehension-issue stems from the fact that I am dealing with a large majority of lower-leveled students, but hell, practically 85% of our school is comprised of lower-level students, so why should that matter? The other side was that I wasn't asking the right things of them. I wasn't being specific enough. They didn't know that I wanted them to write more than 2 words on their warm-up, because I never specified that I wanted more from them. Laurencia keyed me into that small glitch, and I'm still working hard on correcting that mistake.

Something I needed to change was, and still is, my teaching style. At the beginning of the year, I told myself that I would take no crap, no talking out of turn without a hand raised, silence is golden during reading time or when I'm talking, blah blah blah... I had all of these invisible rules that I was holding the children accountable for, while forcing myself to follow them, even when the rules were so out of synch with the classroom, my students, and myself. I got frustrated, and angry, especially with the students. Why didn't they know what I wanted from them? Couldn't they just tell? Hell no, they couldn't tell! I had to tell them my expectations in order for them to be met.

Everyday is different, I'll say that much. Good days are starting to hold a little sway over the bad days, but there are still moments where I wonder, "Why did I choose this profession? Am I masochistic? Do I like being hurt on a daily basis?" Then I think of a warm moment, where I shared a silly, stupid, wonderful joke with a student over the material--or not over the matierial--and I remember that I really do like kids. Perhaps it makes me masochistic. Perhaps that makes me human.

And I'm still pretty lost. I feel like, even though Laurencia is literally working her tail off for me on this Read180 program and trying to help me get it set up and working, that I'm still grasping for straws on what to teach, how to teach it, and if I'm being effective in what I'm attempting to have them do. It could just be because I'm a first-year teacher. It could also be that I'm not prepared enough to teach the material because I don't know the material. Or it just could be that I'm not getting it. But regardless, the dim, pin-point of a light at the end of the tunnel holds some hope for me, and I'm damned proud of the fact that I've made it through the first three and a half weeks with my psyche still intact.

I will say this though: I've lost some weight. Two or so pounds, but it's made a difference in how my clothes hang.