I feel like I've been set up to fail.

Honestly, I am feeling very down on myself at the moment. I probably shouldn't be writing right now, but if I don't get these feelings out I think I'll drown from the intensity of it all.

We are done with MAP and are on the last leg of make-ups for it. Unfortunately, that means my mentor has been sucked up in the position of the MAP tester, so for the entire month of April she's been dealing with that bull. Not to mention that after MAP is done, she has to do all sorts of menial jobs when in reality... I need her now more than ever with this stupid paper coming to a close. I don't know how Ashley is feeling, but I am stuck and needing some serious help in terms of time--which I don't have much of.

I've been videotaping myself! Literally! I should have had someone in there helping me, but because my mentor is trapped in a precarious position, she is unable to do it for me. I don't even know if what I'm doing is good or if it's showing anything at all. What if my questions are all wrong? What if my students come off as one did today--completely moronic and not knowing what on earth she had read but was convinced she had read the entire story only to have gotten every iota of detail completely and utterly wrong? That shows no growth! That just shows how shitty of a reader they are, and how shitty of a teacher I am!!

I don't feel as though I am a good teacher. I've been going through my data and realizing that I don't believe that my test students have made ANY progress. Lemme repeat: NO progress. I'm literally depressed wondering how I managed to fail an entire group of kids, and I feel overwhelmed at the thought of fishing through the data for a spark of hope that one of them learned something.

I was completely unprepared to teach this course, and after many trials and tribulations I thought I had it down. Apparently not. I can't help but wonder if the program had been up and running from the beginning of school--LIKE IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN--if my students would have made gains instead of remaining stagnant. It might be me, and my style of teaching, though, that has failed the students.

Mizzou is all about reflecting on your teaching and blah blah blah. Here's a thought: I'm reflecting on the fact that I was never introduced to a course that taught me how to deal with Special Education children, and their learning processes until my Masters program (which means, WHOOPS, too late!).

Oh, and another--why is it that I feel as if I am was set up, spectacularly, to FAIL during my first year of teaching?