Is it Ten O'Clock yet?

Is it fair that it's only 8:00 and I'm pretty much ready for bed?

I'm so exhausted all the time. Physically, emotionally, spiritually--like the children come in the mornings and suck every living particle out of me until there is nothing left but a headache and some potentially potent illness-inducing germs.

And I'm lost. The first week was harried and out of whack--I literally found that every day was completely different with a completely different set of kids; we're not block scheduling. The half-days Wednesday on through Friday due to heat didn't help at all. Instead, the staff and students were all watching the clock for 10:50 a.m., and by Friday it felt that 10:50 a.m. took 6 hours to get there. And the kids took advantage of the crazy schedule, acting out and being rather outlandish.

I'm pretty positive that I slept over 30 hours this weekend while visiting Andrew in Rolla. The poor boy didn't have a chance to even hang out with me, unless it was napping with me in-between wake times.

And I'm lost. I'm lost because they keep adding and removing kids, sometimes I have 14, sometimes just one shows up. And I have no clue what to teach because I'm supposed to be teaching Achieve 3000 and Read 180 but no one has taught me anything about those programs, and I've been unable to make any headway with my questions regarding both programs; my poor mentor is being worked to death by the administrators to get the schedules up to par so that there's no more crazy schedules for the children, and she's been busy busy busy due to that. She's hopefully going to meet up with me tomorrow and get me some information regarding Read 180 so that I can at least begin that program. The kids can tell that I'm grasping at straws (I'm having them work on a concept map to map out their summer, so that they can use the ladder of abstraction to get to the juicy details... the only problem is that I'm working with kids with 3rd grade-below reading levels and half can't read or write!). I graduated with a degree in secondary education, English, and I've taken the middle school praxis--no one prepared me for students who couldn't read at the level they're supposed to be reading, damnit! I needed more classes in Special Education and elementary education!!

I hate hate hate being negative.

There are kids so wonderful that I'm left laughing all day from their antics. Goofing out and being silly, wonderful, beautiful children, and giving me hope that not all the kids I work with are hyper-sexualized little beings whose parents sell them off at the age of 14. (The Gypsy's parents sell off their daughters)

And then there are those that leave me pulling out my hair, wondering how to get their perverbial word vomit to cease, and leaving me giving "the stare" to those who can't seem to keep their attitudes in check.

I love my job. I really, truly, do. Sometimes I question my choice, but to me that's a wake-up call to remind myself that this is something I wanted to do, that I like to do.

But Jesus, help me. I'm drained.